Gurl, Get Your Money's Worth

You should not play full price for anything these days. Have you seen the signs, 20 percent off, 50 percent off, everything must go.

And though the wedding industry has a reputation of gouging wide-eyed brides and grooms, it does not have to be like that.
I am honoring my budget-consciousness and my wedding will be fabulous.

In fact, this depression is forcing everyone to re-evaluate and re-price goods and services, and that includes the wedding industry.

Two months ago I had a photographer quote me $2,000.00 to take photos at my wedding. I was floored! And I told him I would like to negotiate that price, but he said that he didn't negotiate, at all—then proceeded to tell me that if a potential client did not like his prices, he always had someone else in the wings.

Of course my black woman neck started circling and I said in my head, "Oh hell no, you will not have my business." I went about my way and found other options that were better priced, and the photographers were extremely accommodating.

I don't care what type of business patronage the first photographer claimed he had, everyone has been affected by the financial climate. EVERYBODY.

Negotiating is everything with this wedding. I am learning fast, and in some cases, in uncomfortable ways. Though I must admit, I have been getting blessed with great deals.

So let me give you some of the huge finds:
My wedding planner (who has bent over backwards) was a steal and has become a dear friend. Plus she finagled hotel rooms @ the JW Marriot Staple Center for the lowest group price rate that the hotel offers.

The wedding venue is a top-notch place that has been featured on Wedding Central. I got a 50% discount.

My future mother-in-spirit found a soap mold of the Adinkra symbol and is making chocolates as souvenirs.

I just saw some Old Navy fuchsia flip-flops I want to purchase for my circle of sisters who will be walking with me through this. The shoes are $1.49 with a 30% discount on top of that.

The flowers and decor will be purchased in the flower district in downtown LA @ bulk prices that are a fraction of flower shops.

These are just some of the savings I am using to make sure I get good quality at budget-conscious prices.

But I must stress, you must be damn near vigilante, even when you don't want to, and even when you are not doing wedding things. It is something that must become habit.

For instance, I purchased some spices at some frou-frou place in an upper-class side of town this weekend. The woman shorted me 8 cents change from the 88 cents I was supposed to get. I slowly counted my money and didn't move. She smiled, and I smiled right back and told her I was waiting for my change. She admitted that she did not have the rest and just had dollars. So I asked for a full dollar and gave her the 80cents. When she said she couldn't do it, I told her to give me my refund.

My money is precious and I work hard. The last think you will do is short me and I accept it. I have to admit, I am still learning, but an old Jewish told me one day, "Count your pennies and you don't have to worry about your dollars."

Love & Balance
Namibia Indigo

Weight Loss the Uphill Climb

Like every bride, I want to look my best when I jump the broom. That required me to shed some of this love/stress/winter weight I've picked up the past five years since Amen-Rah and I have been together.

I blogged about losing roughly 40 pounds several months ago. Well, the last time I weighed myself I've shed (drum roll) 6 pounds. Oh yes, I have a lot to go.

And I've been doing everything, from running to weight lifting to swimming. And the pounds have slowly, and I mean extra slowly come off.

I have been eating mostly fruits and veggies, getting colonics, and a whole bevy of stuff, but I came to understand that my weight was emotional and spiritual. I needed to get away from NYC and woosahh.

As a result, I took 2 weeks and went to Los Angeles. While there, a very good friend encouraged me to try Yoga again, and with some doubt I did. And I must say, I was transformed.

I came back to the NYC area with a charge and joined a hot Yoga or Bikram Yoga studio. Honey child, the sweating and postures got me open. Last night I sweat out the 3 Sangrias I had during the TrueBlood season premiere.

I swear by Yoga! Now don't get it twisted, Yoga will have you hella sore afterwards. Get the right instructor and you will begin to work muscles you did not know.

The Yoga has been a life saver because I didn't know how I was gonna shed other than starve myself and anyone who knows me, knows, I will not give up my food.

Jack Pot! I Found the ONE

Whew, after months of digging through Los Angeles, I can relax for a second and celebrate. I found my venue sites! Yay!!!!

For those of you who know my pain understand that this is a huge accomplishment. I am so incredibly happy with the places I selected. Yes, I did say places as in more than one.

It wasn't my plan, but as it played out, I have the opportunity to work with two fabulous sites.

Since I have been advised not to give the information of my wedding site on the web, I will give you a list a great venues that had excellent representatives and are gems in Los Angeles.

I decided to focus on the wonderful spaces rather than give any energy to the shitty ones. I will reserve that at a later time.

Bonaventure Brewing Company is located on the fourth floor of the historical Bonaventure Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. This section of the hotel juts out to an outdoor rooftop like space that has a beer brewing company, restaurant, and lawn space. It is an oasis in the middle of the concrete jungle that you must visit.

http://bonaventurebrewing.com

The food is good and the drinks were wonderful. Oh, and the music selection was just my thing. As I walked around the patio area that is decorated with ivy along the fences and small accents of red, I jammed to E. Badu, J. Scott and Maxwell. Ahh, my type of space.

The venue coordinator, Althea Burnett is this incredibly beautifully spirited woman who loves what she does and does it well. BBC is a hidden gem in Los Angeles. It is very inexpensive to rent. The people who work that are very hospitable, and it is centrally located in a hotel that has a hundred and one things to do. I totally loved this place and recommend it to everyone. Tell Althea that Kaia sent you.

Annenberg Community Beach House was a slice of heaven. The view is gorgeous and people are lining up to use this space for the wedding venue. The Annenberg Beach House used to be the destination where celebrities came to play on the beachside in the early to mid 1900s. Since it has been restored by the city of Santa Monica.

http://beachhouse.smgov.net

I was blown away by the picturesque view of the pool house, but was stopped short because the strict alcohol and catering policies. However, I love to support city and state owned parks and sites because it brings needed revenue to maintaining historical sites that have so much history.

The Kress is for the hip, chic and cosmopolitan Angeleno. I was interested in the rooftop of the old hotel converted into a super, supper club with multiple levels of opulence.

http://thekress.net

Overlooking Hollywod, this space had a long list of good food choices and is great if you want a knock down drag out party. The liquor prices will get you if you have a hosted bar.

The Speak Easy at the Music Box was breathless venue that wowed me. The package that Sarah Quigleygave me left me speechless. Everything from our names on a marquee to the use of several rococo-styled rooms. She also is willing to negotiate and is a helluva person in following up.

http://tmbhollywood.com

I put in a proposal to use the Speakeasy, a rooftop portion of the Music Box, then do the reception inside. She is very, very reasonable.

On the 10th Winner

Once again, Tanya Turner-Marshall gave me some great advice. I guess she is only one of two people who believes I am not a fluke. Houseneva, I dug her suggestions with my Afro-Boho-Cosmo-chic. Some fall reds or rusts, with a khaki or moss green, and yellow-golds on crisp white and a black crisp tux.



After much thought, I came up with a color palette that fuses my love of vivid colors and earth colors with a touch of clean, elegance. i'm working on a fourth color to give it a pop. What do you think?

My Dream Venues...Some of Them

I am still on the hunt for a venue, but I was asked recently, "If I had the means and my invitees had the time, where would I really want to get married?"

Good question.

I really don't know of one specific place, but I have some things in mind that I would be gushy all over.

1. On the Nile. To start a new beginning @ the place of many beginnings. Wow.

2. A New Orleans second line...
















....in the middle of the Nokia Plaza.











3. A black-owned Vineyard in Napa Valley or South Africa


4. Overlooking Los Angeles in the ATT Building

5. Ahh, the Oberoi in Jaipur, India

6. A fascinating hidden gem in Puerto Rico, and one of the world's best beaches. You can have me jump in the broom at Casa de la Loma in Culebra, a small island just east of the main island PR.

7. Sofitel Agadir Royal Beach — Agadir, Morroco (Sun-Rah's pick)


8. Mandarin Hotel in NYC looking over the fabulous skyline

10 Things I Hate About Shitty Venue Representatives

Today I feel like the sister in the photo. Please don't fuck with me today.

So here I am, five months to go and I have not found a venue. But I have learned a lot about myself in the proces; in particular the bullshit I will not tolerate, but have been dealing with in speaking with venue coordinators regarding their places.

Los Angeles and its pretentious crap has even event planners acting like they are Hollywood. You know, the star bullshit that "celebs" do like not calling back or igging you because they think they have the power.

What?

Don't even try it. I am two seconds from hiring the band from "Treme" and we will run a second line during half time at a Lakers game and shut shit down.

Okay, so now that I have vented, I can continue....

I've noticed on the the gazillion wedding sites that they always give tips to the bride or consumer about how to get the best deals and such; but today I have some advice for venue representatives in a 10 point list.

Read this, it might get you some needed business in the financial crisis.

10 - Please remember that you are in a recession and those astronomical prices you still try to fling my way will not get you any business.

9 - Please don't lie about the majesty of the place and have me drive all the way there only to stop myself short of not spitting in your face for lying to me.

8 - Recent photos of your venue that also include the outside of your establishment.

7 - Please have the current catering, bartending and venue rental prices on the PDF file you send me.

6 - Please do not act like you are doing me a favor by talking to me

5 - Pick up your damn phone, answer your emails, and call back within the same business day, NOT two weeks later.

4 - Don't play dumb or change your story when I arrive acting as if you don't remember what we spoke about.

3 - Remember to press mute when you put me on hold so I don't hear you talking about me because I pointed out your blatant lies.

2 - Make sur your venue is cleaned before I visit.

1 - I am black, not a terrorist. We don't need five security guards at our parties. If you can't handle people of color, pack up your shit and go.

On the 10th Winner Tanya Turner Marshall Says, "Wed on An Off Day"

Newlywed and wedding planner Tanya Turner-Marshall suggested that I negotiate my wedding reception on an off day to lower costs and get better deals.

The Louisiana native had 400 folks at her wedding last fall, so she is a negotiating goddess.

As I researched, I saw that that is becoming a trend. Thursday, Friday, and even Wednesday weddings are supplementing traditional Saturday and Sunday nuptials.

I recently had a friend tell me she is getting married on a Thursday this summer to offset costs a venue that is very popular and plush in Paris. As a result she is paying 30% less.

Although, I cannot rescind my date due to travel commitments and hotel contracts, I do think this is a great idea for wedding parties where mosts of your guests are local, or small, or the planning is way in advance.

People thought I was tripping, but I am so about getting some advice. Hey this is recession Bay-be.

Congrats Tanya! Your money is coming honey.

READ Tanya's Advice

In my process I went through each detail offered and asked them to take off things I really didnt' need or could do witgout. While doing that I also asked them what was the slowest time of the year or week for them and with that knowlwedge I took a date that they normally wouldn't make any money and got it for $200 less than the original asking... See More. ... See MoreDon't be afriad to ask questions and to shop around. Remmember that your dream location may not always be the best for you and they are in a business and you are what keeps them going. Have multiple quotes on hand from competitiors and do price comparisons right there with them, you will be surprised

Platinum Indian Weddings

My jaw dropped when my co-worker from Southern India told me that she had a four-day wedding with 500 guests. I'm flipping over 100. I wanted to ask her why, but she was in the midst of a bitter divorce just after two years and I didn't want to go there.

Several months after that I spoke to a male colleagues who is Indian and he explained the relevance of the big extravagant, muti-day weddings. According to him, the merging of families is the core of a society and must be treated as such, the zenith of all ceremonies.

Not only does the couple and their parents invite people, but extended relatives offer invitations as well. As it was explained to me, an uncle's wife can invite her family, and then they invite people like their neighbors.

Unfortunately, the US does not support such lavish weddings as I would have had to have been a surrogate mother three times just to put down a down payment for that.

Nevertheless, the concept gives us all something to think about.

Family is your wealth. Here is a Sikh's wedding. Observe the opulence that puts platinum weddings to shame.

Wedding Rituals: Zulu Wedding Dances

Sun-Ra's family jokes about our ethnic flair by nicknaming me Afrika Bambata and him, Shaka Zulu.

I smile at the compliment.

In return, I am thinking about giving them something straight from the Motherland.

On a serious note, Sun-Ra and I are getting a lot of helpful advice about the direction to go for the wedding. Many people are telling us to have a low budget wedding and a fabulous honeymoon. We are trying to balance both and are lucky that we are globetrotters and unpampered backpackers who can go a lot of places on the cheap and enjoy immensely.

But we gotta have a ceremony that solidifies our union to the community whether we want it or not. Rituals are important. I argue that black folk don't have enough rituals and the ones we do have we've forgotten much of the meaning.

As I was ho-humming about wedding stress, a friend of mine confirmed my inner thoughts around ceremonies and gatherings. Her story, she went to the courthouse and called it a day. Now she regrets it.

Though I would love to take the day easy, I have a 92-year-old grandmother that I will honor. That is the tradition in me that I recognize. To jump the broom in front of my matriarch is important and is just one of my blessings.

But as I put together this afro-boho-cosmo-chic affair, I ran across this lovely video of a Zulu Wedding Dance.

I think I might give them exactly what they tease me about, Zulu.
Zulu wedding maidens dance at ceremony. Click on photo to check out the dance and some explanation.

Respect My Money! How One Simple Tip Can Earn You $50

My wedding is extraordinary and gorgeous.
My wedding is extraordinary and gorgeous.
My wedding is extraordinary and gorgeous.

That is my daily mantra as I take on the hard lessons in this process of sealing the union between me and Amen-Rah.

I have been scratching my head in disappointment at the gimmicks that people pull when you call about venues, vendors, and all things related to weddings.

Let me be honest, weddings are a cash cow industry, and companies, corporations, and people have been exploiting something that should be pure love.

Number #1 Question I DESPISE is, "What's your budget?"

I woke up in the middle of the night with a voice telling me that I will never tell any possible vendor my budget AGAIN.

All I am sure about is that every person will respect my hard-earned money.

How do you do that? I am still working on the resolve. And frankly I need your help. That is why I have made my first recession proof giveaway on better ways to negotiate a venue vendor.

Help me by helping you. I am dishing out $50 from one of the tips that you give. And I need some good advice.

Beauty Ain't This Painful: Waxing

I first shaved my legs when I was 25, and got my first wax at 31. There are many reasons why I didn't shave, but one of them was not because I was not hairy. Honey child, my legs are like comedienne/actress, Mo'Nique, beyond fuzzy to down right bush baby.

You see my mom frowned on shaving, so I had to do what the old schoolers did, slather the follicles down with lotion. Then when I got older, I was au naturel for a minute, and bucked the man for an unshaven calf, but silently craved to tame the beast on my legs.

However, I have some serious horror stories with shaving my pits and bikini line from razors, to depilatories, to an outrageously painful waxing that occurred back-in-the-day. Unfortunately, I have an ugly scar on my calf from a shaving experience with a straight-edge eybrow razor. Long story, but I strongly recommend to never shave when you are pissed off at a boyfriend.

Later on I gave waxing another try when I moved to Atlanta some years ago. Shayna of "Spa on the Go" gave me a pretty low-pain experience. Actually, there was very little pain at all. My legs were fairly painless, my thighs were more sensitive, but it was a cool experience as we talked and laughed for about an hour. I was so relieved I thought my previous waxing experience when I was a high-schooler was fantasized---until I tried it on my own again.

Yup, I was wrong. That shit hurt like ouch. But since waxing was out of my grad school budget at the time, I go through torture. About twice a year, I do the rip-and-yelp dance for about 3 hours and end up with smooth spots, sticky skin and small patches of blood with some fuzz.

I so admire Mo'Nique, honestly I do. However, I too look at her legs and am not feeling it. Such a contradiction for my hairy self; and a person who realizes that European art emphasizes hairless women to disempower their presence, I know that much of social chagrin is rooted in Western culture.

Nevertheless I want smooth and shiny gams for my wedding and I know I gotta start now. The last thing I will do on my wedding day is walk like a bowlegged cowboy because my runway got ripped the day before.

To get my body on a consistent hairless regimen, I gave myself a full leg and bikini wax last week. Shit, it was painful.

But I was adhering to the advice of my girlfriend who told me she gets it all taken off regularly. According to her, it really stops hurting. I dropped my mouth in amazement.

I mean a sister of color getting a wax is more of a challenge due to our coarse hair. Blood in the pubic area is standard, but my friend swears that experience childbirth pains three times immunized her from a lot of things she thought were unbearable before.

Nonetheless, I am still asking, "Why is beauty so painful?"

love and balance
darker than blue

Silent Grace in a Needed Lesson

I have been thrashing and worrying about not finding a reception hall. I have been screaming and cursing. I have been nervous and envious. I have been in self-pity.

Within these past weeks I have gone through so many emotions that I exhausted myself. "No mas" my weary mind was telling me last night as I scratched off more reception potentials.

I could not help think, "What is it that I am doing wrong?" or "What is it that I am not seeing." When I told my mom I wanted something that was different and not the typical stuff around the corner, she said that I was acting "bourgeois".

I was offended and silently blew her off. But am I acting pompous? Yeah, I am. But there was more in her tone. She was simply saying, "Don't go beyond your means." And often in weddings I hear that people who have limited cash flow end up struggling for real.

So after I pouted and went to sleep in a huge puddle of pity I awoke early this morning with some things on my heart.

I am understanding why I keep falling short. They are not failed attempts. They are not indicators that my wedding will be a disaster. These delays, closed doors, and no's are the spirit telling me that I must re-route myself to my true destination. I embrace the simple complexities and contradictions of myself and I move forward with an open mind.

I know that this is not about me, but this process is for me and a community that is embracing a union I made with Sun-Rah a long time ago. Before we arrived in these bodies.

I will listen with my heart, as I did with Sun-Rah.

And yes, there are some venues I will review again. I missed something. And I know that the LIGHT is shining on me and walking with me on this.

love and balance

I Want to Be Free

I'm feeling a little blue today because I have come to a serious road block, but I am learning that the more you give energy into it, the bigger it will manifest.

I sending light to the stars and galaxies and all the ascended spirits to help me through jumping the broom. I am nervous about pulling it off without breaking the pockets.

Damn I respect wedding planners and I surely got love for mine. In the meantime as I sweat it out over a ceremony/reception site, I had to play a new video from a sister who shatters the boxes around her.

Reception Blues & Lessons from Disasters

Last night I went to a wedding reception of one of Sun-Ra's childhood friends. I am still recuperating from the complete mess.

I should've known it was a disaster when I noticed no one was smiling when we came in fashionably late.

I took some photos and went straight to the buffet because I was starving. There was ample food left so I was delighted.

I rocked back-and-forth as the Kompa/Compas (Haitian music) was playing. You know I get happy when I'm hungry and about to eat.

I moved the used ugly teal napkins of people who left and sat on a chair covered in a white, slightly molded looking cloth. "Okay," I thought, "This is a budget-friendly wedding."

And then I bit into the food...subsequently losing my appetite. Absolutely gross.

OMG, never mess with a hungry black woman!

I attempted to recover and look for an opened bottle of wine. I saw people who had bottles as I was coming in and went on a quick hunt because I soon discovered that there was only water, soda and iced tea since no one had a bottle opener.

WTF!

And get this, a member of the family became salty, stumbling after he put down an empty hennessy bottle when the groom gave away unopened champagne bottles! The brother of the groom told his sibling to stop and attempted to grab the rest.

It does get worst. A party-goer smashe her face by walking smack dab into a wall, and then the whole party leaves before the end of the party.

I was enraged, but then felt sorry for the bride who was attempting to save face and be apologetic between Pookie and them (the wait staff) collecting plates with ample uneaten food. It is sad to say that people were eating cake to quash hunger pangs.

I learned so much from this reception, but now I am sweating. Why? Because a sister does not have a reception or ceremony site and it is 6 months until the W-day.

My wedding planner and I are still on the hunt for a new reception hall after my horrible decision to get the Cabrillo Bathouse. I'm nervous y'all, I am not fronting.

Send light.

love and balance

darker than blue

The Power of Negotiation During a Recession

Since I am on the hunt once again for a reception site, I have been slightly nervous. My date is 10-10-10, a hot wedding date that people are also preparing to jump the broom. But what I am forgetting is that we are in the midst of economic crises that has tabled a lot of events for at least the next 2 years.

When a venue representative emailed me out of the blue the other day asking if I was still interesed, I told her that her place was too expensive. I added that I would consider the place if she offered a discount. She told me she was willing to negotiate, now I am waiting for her numbers.

I was flat out surprised! Now I know that negotiating is a must, even if there was not a recession. Often as women we don't negotiate like we should; however, there is a new day, I'm gonna be haggling like Imma a likkle street vendor until I jump this broom.

love and balance

darker than blue

It's Not Back to the Drawing Board, I Don't Think So..or is it really?

Planning a wedding long-distance is nerve-wrecking for a borderline type-A person like myself. And what I am learning is patience and collaboration.

Before I hired a wedding planner, my sister helped me pick out a reception site, the Cabrillo Bath House. To prepare for decor, my wedding planner visited the site and gave it a quadruple thumbs down.

Here are some of the issues she found out:
Bad lighting
Horrible paint job
Paid parking
Under-maintained building
Second floor venue with crappy elevator
Undesirable bathroom
Hidden fees in the contract

Her reasons paralleled mine, including some things in the contract she pointed out that could be problematic. I must admit I have not seen the contract because my sister filled it out. This is a huge mental note, and an admitted huge mistake. Never commit until you read every damn thing.

Also they had this shitty policy about beverages that was insane! We could only use a beverage vendor by the name of Monterey Concessions. Not only was the lady whom I spoke to rude, the information she quoted over the phone was different than what she emailed. Bad sign, and honestly, I did not have a good feeling about it.

Eulina thought I would be pissed, but honestly, I knew that this might happen, so hey, as Jay-Z says, "On to the next one."

I must say, I really enjoy my wedding planner, she is helping me make smarter choices.

love and balance
darker than blue

Unblinging the Engagement Ring

I could not sleep if I wore the annual income of an African village on my hand. So when Sun-Rah and I were talking about engagement rings (yes he wears one too) we both agreed to be simple, budget conscious, and stick to our afro-boho-chic selves.

I had been searching sites for black jewelers who make African-inspired jewelry and discovered three.

After combing through all of the hideous costume jewelry sites, lackluster bands on Etsy.com, I found Glenn Lewis, a highly regarded jewelry who is from the US, but according to the site, he lives in Ghana. His jewelry uses Egyptian and Ghanaian or Adinkra symbols for rings, pendants for necklaces, intricate jewelry boxes. Oh my and his work, incredible.

Lewis was very attractive for several reasons. For one, he participated in fair trade on several levels. According to his site and some articles I dug up, he partners with local jewelers and metal companies to ensure its employees were duly compensated. Also, he has taught classes at several institutes in Ghana on metallurgy and jewelry making.

I immediately squealed and yanked Sun-Rah over to the computer screen so he could see what I've found. I emailed Lewis and waited. One week went by, I emailed him again, then about four more times and did not get a reply.

I revisited Lewis' site and saw that his last speaking engagement was in 2007. I was so desperate to get in contact with him I scoured the Internet, but came up cold, even in the obituary section. Sadly, I had to search some more and found another deliciously beautiful jeweler.

The next company I found was the Jendayi Collection, located in my hometown of Los Angeles. Sun-Rah saw several pieces he loved, and so I decided to visit the place when I visited my family. The store was in the Baldwin Hills Crensaw Plaza, a mall located in a very popular African-American pocket of the city.

The saleswoman was okay, not anything to brag about or throw away. She seemed like a family friend who needed a job, but wasn't really all into selling her cousin's jewelry. Nonetheless, the love from the husband of the owner/jewelry designing team was there and he was so sweet and cool, he became the selling point. The couple/owners make a lot of pieces for black Hollywood and I have seen him throughout the cultural circuit of Los Angeles, and he has always been a good brother. I definitely would love to support that.

While there, I spotted the ring I wanted and asked about the price. It was very reasonable, about $1000, but as a grad student that was a little steep, so I kept my options open.

Then, I remembered bumping into an NYC jeweler on Myspace who makes Erykah Badu's big Ankh rings and bracelets. A master craftsman, S.o. Patah creates whatever your heart desires. I liked Patah's work, but it was too expensive and a little too gaudy for me. I wanted something that made a statement, something that was more than simple, but not ostentatious.

Then I re-thought this whole recession thing and asked myself if I really wanted to spend a thousand or more on a ring at this time. And the answer was no.

Sun-Rah and I decided that if and when we could, or even cared to, we would upgrade in the future.

So I began to peruse discount sites and came across the perfect ring. A black onyx ring with a heart on the top. What better to say "black love" than this. Also, I read up on black onyx and found it as a stone for people to center oneself, and in the craziness of preparing for a unification ritual, the onyx was what I needed.

And you would never believe the price, $13.99! Ahhh, I love black love.

love and balance
darker than blue

Why are Black Folks So Stuck on Patriarchy?

As I gather addresses of family and friends, one of my homegirls gushed with congratulations and asked me on Facebook, "So you will now be Mrs. what?" She figured I was going to give her the last name of Sun-Rah. I told her my name will be what it was before I got married. Then I heard crickets. It was followed by a nice-nasty debate through chat.

She went into this long diatribe about taking a man's last name and blah, blah, blah. My response, and this has always been my view, taking a man's last name is rooted in European, Christian patriarchal practice. It is not the only way of marriage, and it definitely is not the way it will be for me.

I was reared in a Catholic church and am brought up by Southern parents, so I am coming from this angle of religion and culture that taught me that the man is the protectorate and has the last say. Growing up, my blood will boil when I saw how that manifested between my parents. On many of days, my father was dead ass wrong, but, alas, he was the man. Today it is more balanced, but my parents being a young couple from the South tried to negotiate their bond within confining rules they didn't understand and have since renovated to some extent.

Though I know the whole name thing is done in many places. I don't espouse to it, and I don't agree that a woman must take a man's name. Though some say it is a choice, in many cases it is an understanding that is not to be deviated, even if it is not said, it is implied. It is critical that families keep their lineages, and as an ode to mine, my name stays. She was hot!

My friend and I ended on a terse note and knew that this was just the beginning because neither of our families know that I ain't changing. It took my guy a minute to swallow, and we had some very, very interesting conversations. But he got over it, and his patriarchal notions, and his ego, and he is happy that we are acknowledging the next stage of our relationship. As for my father, his underwear will be wrapped in a tizzy.

I often have these conversations of why black folk are so stuck on cultural motifs that are foreign to them. Not patriarchy, but the type that is practiced contemporarily. Women are stripped of identity, and removed from her kin to be in service of her husbands. Whah? And the funny thing is, it usually doesn't work out like that in a significant amount of black families; however, we get so caught up in what's proper in order to look the "traditional, respectable" family. Sorry, Cosby's, it was a great model, but there are more than that that are as potent and "successful" and loving.

Nonetheless, media dishes out a death sentence to black women in their chance's of lifetime partnership.

Now that I read all of these doom stories about black women will be the least to be married in the United States, I wonder if women agree to arrangments in marriage that they genuinely despise, but do so, just to get married. This also goes for names, having children, dealing with crazy in-laws, accepting infidelity, abuse, and his bad spending habits.

And if you are Christian, the mis-interpretation of deferring and bowing to their husbands to me is number one because the King James version states that men are the head of the household. Really, what does that mean?

I will take it in the since of nobility since every man wants to be a king in this country. A king makes decisions after he his thoroughly briefed and given advice from the council. So in essence, a king's decision is based on the knowledge given to him by confidants and not of his own research or assessment. If that were true, the woman would be calling the shots, and the man would just be the figurehead taking her orders.

I just don't get it. Where is it written in stone that we have to take our husbands names? And where is it written that if you don't, you are blaspheming God? No where.

So, I embrace the Egyptian tradition of male/female balance, partnership and identity. Did you know that pharaohs of Egypt married Queen rulers of Meroe, or Medewi or Kush. This was to unite upper and lower Egypt and acknowledge the presence of matriarchal lineage and patriarchal. As is shown in the collage, pharaoh and queen sat on one thrown. And to me, that is my type-of-marriage.

So Sun-Rah and I are just joining crowns. Bling on that!

love and balance darker than blue

I Am Not a Superwoman, So I Hired a Wedding Planner

Eulina mentioned something that sealed the deal. She said, "Women, especially black women think that they can do it all, and when they try to do everything they end up not enjoying anything about their event."

It was at that point I hired Eulina Morris of Creating Remarkable Events. She understood me. (Photo Caption: Eulina Morris Wedding Planner)

I realized a long time ago that I am not a superwoman and have no desire to be every and anything all the time.

I am a doctoral student who holds a part time job and teaches anywhere from three to five classes. I am beyond busy already, plus I have no clue about a wedding since I wasn't the type who dreamed of how it will look or what I would wear.

With my lack of knowledge of weddings, I knew I was entering into an area I was totally unfamiliar.

But I was sure of one thing. I did not want to be the burned out superwoman on my wedding day. And I want my family members to show up beautiful, relaxed and ready to celebrate.

Nonetheless, the decision of hiring a wedding planner was not without a fight. I looked at some planners a couple of months ago and thought, "My sister can do that."

My sister, who we call "Pookie Bird" got married three years ago. Everything that you didn't want to happen happened. I figured that anyone who went through the hells she did, could put together a good damn wedding. She had so many opportunities to learn an abundance of lessons I guessed she was a pro after she pulled that one off.

I called Pookie and she was excited and supportive. I gave her the proposal along with a payment of services. Immediately, she was on it---asking me about colors, venues, bridesmaids, and all the particulars that I did not have an answer.

The next week she was combing Los Angeles looking for a venue that was reasonable. But life happened.

Her husband was laid off just like she was right after she had their infant daughter. Both of them were casualties of a crumbling Cali economy. Now, she had to really look for a job in between being an active mommy of three, a wife, and a conscious community member.

The next items were finding a caterer and securing a hotel, but Pookie's youngest got sick, then she caught a cold, and her car broke down again. Who had time plan a wedding?

I was getting impatient, but I had to understand my sister's situation. Nonetheless, I couldn't neglect mine.

So, I started looking for a wedding planner. I had been visiting http://www.forblackweddings.com/ and other sites to get an understanding of what I should be looking for. For Black Weddings, gives excellent tips on what to expect in wedding planning from the beginning to the end---from wedding songs to a bridal emergency kit.

I read and read, and honestly, I still didn't know what I wanted or where I was going.

I was getting so frustrated I just wanted to call it off and I was just starting. Instead of quitting, I went to research wedding planners. Since Los Angeles has a small black population (we only make up about 4 percent), I wanted to recycle my black dollars so I went to http://blacknla.com/ and looked at caterers. I emailed and phoned them all.

Eulina was the first one to call. I listened to what she said and wrote notes based on her tips and advice. I spoke to others, but it came down to two potentials, and Eulina's simple statement sealed the deal.

Other things that were important was she was budget-friendly, flexible, full of energy, very responsive, and listened to my concerns before I even signed a contract. I feel totally comfortable with my choice and I can't wait to jump into the process again.

love and balance
darker than blue

Saving Money on "Save the Date"

I'm still debating on a wedding website, but one thing I knew I needed was a "Save the Date" mailing to accomodate the coastal ceremonies.

Since I've been reading up on wedding blogs and saw how expensive invitations can be, I decided to do an inexpensive, but cute soft invitation. I decided personalized postcards. Postcards are not only budget friendly because of cheaper production, but less in postage.

On one side, is a nice photo of me and Sun-Rah, on the other side, our ceremony dates including our symbol with the theme. It was a simple and nice layout that got to the point. I figured I could get more creative down the line.

I designed the cards on an online site called, Overnight Prints. Both sides are glossy print and the postcards are 5.5 x 8.5. The amount of cards are 100. I had to reorder my cards because the first ones only had the Los Angeles date. The cost for both orders including the shipping was a little less than $130. Add postcard postage stamps at 28 cents that is $28.00. The total cost is $158.

Losing this Gut! Arrghhhh

A great relationship can be a blessing and a curse. Your outings transform from frequent club-hopping to poetry venues and movies. You slow down running all over the city and running home to your significant other.

Unfortunately, those nights of good loving and cuddling resulted to me gaining 30 pounds and I be damn if I carry that to the altar. I am not going to have a booty-do gut or flabby arms, or triple chin mess up my swagger! And I am not going to starve myself only to blow back up the day after nuptials.

For the last two weeks I have been working out and working on my diet. Losing weight ain't fast and somewhat painless like when I was in my 20s. A sister gotta sweat hard to lose this cellulite. My hormones are going crazy since I have hit my mid-30s. My breasts have gotten totally outta control.

My goal:

Lose 40 pounds

Drop 6 dress sizes

Strengthen my womb

Flat abs

Totally toned body

More flexibili

and compete in at least 1 triathlon

Seems like much, but it honestly was just yesterday I was running 4 miles barefoot on a Los Angeles beach. I know I can do it and I will...but I am very honest with myself. I needed help.

I have called on my sister-friend who is a natural leaving guru and has an master's degree in naturapathic healing. I called on my sister-friend in the ATL who specializes in colon cleansing.

First thing first, little to no dairy, more water, more movement, more rest, and lots of self-pampering.

Okay, I got 7 months. Let's do this shit!

Ahhhh, the Frustrations of Finding a Venue

Marvimom House located in Downtown Los Angeles

is green conscious and heavy on the green backs.

For a country that laments about the lack of marriages, why does it cost so much for a decent wedding?

One of the green initiatives should be discounted weddings for a better environment.

Sun-Ra and I swore not to be broke the day after our ceremonies. Yes, I did say plural because we are having two ceremonies to accomodate my West Coast family and his East Coast family.

This concept is in line with many couples who have multiple weddings for multiple reasons. Not only are we doing this to include as many of our people as possible, but we are embracing the neo-African tradition of having a village wedding (traditional) and a church wedding.

Our two ceremonies are as followed: the first one is called, "Uniting the Families," which will be where we receive our parents' blessings; the second will be the official ceremony of "Jumping the Broom."

The budget-conscious, recession-proof soirees are taken a lot of creativity, thoughtful compromise, and yes frustration.

The first ceremony will be in New Jersey, and will be at the home of Sun-Ra's parents. His mother and I have started working out some of the details. She is a culinary guru and party planning diva. And she totally respects our flavor of eccentri afro-chic, a cross between cultural, cosmopolitan, and spiritual, but with swagger.

As for the second ceremony in Los Angeles, I am still in the beginning stages and have been scouting out a venue for the last five months. My dilemma is normal, what I fall in love with is too expensive, and what is in my budget can handle is not attractive...at all. Another issue is that I am finishing my PhD in Jersey, and have little time and money to go to Los Angeles.

But to give you an idea of where I went, I am listing some of the places that I loved, but did not fit.

Marrakesh House - is a beautifully renovated, eco-pimped out house in Culver City. I loved the space with its poolside altar and Morrocan-inspired decor, but the price was a little costly for me. It was $3700 for the whole day and the whole house, but I had to supply table, chairs, linen and other things such as heated lamps before I even got to the catering and decorations. Too much headache and hidden costs.

The Sky Room - OMG this was my dream. It is a floor that sits on top of historic Long Beach Hotel with almost 360 degress of windows. You got the space when ordering the menu which started at about $4200 per person. The minimum was $7800, but you got food, seating, and dj equipment. I would've paid, but the date I wanted was booked in early 2009.

Little Tokyo's Japanese Botanical Gardens off of Main street was quite a deal, $2750 for the gardens, reception room and tables and chairs. It was a ceremony and reception hall wrapped into one. The reception area was a little blah, but who made up with the beautiful garden and cheap price in a clean and funky part of the revival of downtown LA. Unfortunately, I was beat to punch and lost the deal because someone, put there deposit down before my sister was able to check out the spot; however, I did not lose my head because it was a little over budget.

The Barn - Also located in Culver City seemed like a true gem. Another Moroccan-inspired hall that was original a hangar for airplane parts in the Warehouse district of the little seaside city on the west side of Los Angeles. Unfortunately, the description is not as glamorous as the actual building. The area it is situated in an unattractive area with limited parking and the place shares space with a flower shop that limits the movement of guests. The price was definitely right, $750; however, the owner went up $250 in several months and I was NOT feeling that.

San Antonio Winery - is a family-owned and operated restaurant and winery in Los Angeles. If I remember correctly, you had to pay at least $10,000, but it comes with food, cake, wine, dj equipment, iPod player, linens, tables and chairs. All you had to do was show up with your iPod. Sadly, it is going through renovation during the time of my inquiry.

Huron Substation, a renovated historic building that used to house high voltage equipment for Edison electric company. They tood too long to respond so I moved on.

Victorian/Mansion Rentals - I really am into the retro, vintage luxe look, so I attempted to check out some Victorian homes right outside of downtown Los Angeles. These homes are around USC in the Jefferson district that used to be called Bubble Hill. A number of these homes have been renovated to bed-and-breakfasts. I also called some fantabulous homes in Hollywood Hills and nestled on the shores of a couple of pretty beaches. However, when I gave them my budget they did not call me back. Oh well, on to the next one.

Rose Gardens of Exposition Park - tucked between several museums including the California African-American Museum, it is an ideal location for fall and spring weddings. I visited the place when I visited home and the landscaper told me that Southern California botanicals enjoyed two blooming seasons, one in the spring and one in late fall. Nonetheless, the site was about $1,000, and I had to find a separate reception hall. I wanted to do the Af-Am museum, but the rude reception coordinator forgot to tell me that they don't do wedding receptions. You would think that the fiscal situation of California, the city of LA would welcome receptions. Now I must admit there was a senior center that could be rented out, but it was too small. Then there was the Natural Museum that started at $20,000, oh hell naw.

Marvimom (downtown LA) and The Smog Shoppe (Culver City) are green spaces with funky herbivores and urban-chic atmosphere. Marvimom seats about 200 while The Smog Shoppe is about 100. There prices though were too much over budget, but they do discount when events are on Sundays and week days. Marvimom is $6000 and The Smog Shop was about $4000. I know greening costs more, but dman.

Earl Burns Miller Japanese Gardens in Cal State Long Beach is absolutely stunning, but hte price was high and the conditions for catering were too strict. This is a picturesque venue with great views, but if you have the $$ I recommend.

Frustrated by the lack of success, I called oen of my sisters about three weeks ago. I told her of the upcoming event and asked for her help in planning the wedding. Since she had this southern sweetheart wedding several years ago that had many kinks, I thought she would make a perfect fit for pitfalls.

We settled on the Cabrillo Beach San Pedro Bathouse. It is a historic Spanish building overlooking the waters. It is very picturesque with a playground area that will be good for the oodles of children that will attend. It is a very spacious second-floor banquet hall with a stage, a closed in verando with huge windows facing the beach, and an area that is designated for caterers.

It is picturesque outside and the inside has potential. There are some down sides with this place.

For one, it does not have a kitchen so caterers have to be prepared. Then the horrible paint job, OMG. Since it is owned by LA County someone had the bright idea of using ugly green institution paint for the wood paneling inside. And finally, the BS liquor policy only permits a company called Monterey Concession Services to serve liquor, and cheap liquor at that. For the beer selections there are Miller Lite and Bud Lite. Then for the soda, Cola, Diet Coke and 7UP are all it has to offer. We spoke to a nasty representative from the Monterey Concessions and hopefully we can work this out.

Oh well, we shall see, but I am claiming little stress on this.

love and romance
darker than blue

Something Old, Something New, Love that is Darker Blue

We met on Friday, May 13, 2005 in Downtown Atlanta.

A city where heterosexual men outnumber women 10 to 1. A city full of clubs that offer any type of black party you like from chic to bling to bohemian. A city full of strippers that reinvented Karma Sutra positions every night making the average sister cringe with insecurity.

And yes, sadly, Atlanta is a city full of lonely and frustrated, single black women. And for some time, that was me.

I settled in Atlanta nine months before I met him, leaving Los Angeles to reinvent myself for the seventh time. A recovering journalist who was still trying to kick the rush of deadlines and eating in the car as the norm, I decided to give into my PhD jones and went back to school. By the end of my first semester I re-mastered the art of juggling little cash and learned to maneuver through the many layers of social-political scenes in the complicated big town with aspirations to be a big city.

But unbeknownst to me, the man who saw me walking down Decatur by the Underground Mall, did a double take. He waited for me as I rounded the corner thinking about eating a pseudo-burrito at Mo's while listening to a neo-soul something on a six-year-old cd player and busted headphones.

He stopped me, started a conversation that convinced me to have a light lunch with him. His Jersey accent and brown eyes were nothing compared to his refreshing conversation. I was so taken aback, I paid for our meal.

We ate falafels, with my last $10 (he didn't know I was broke). Then he invited me to dinner and a movie that night. Sushi at Twist, and the film, Crash.

We held hands and talked about our lives as we caught the last Marta train to my stop. He walked me home and kissed me lightly on the lips.

Almost five year's later, on February 6, 2010, we asked each other's hand in a Bobby Flay Restaurant.

This blog is dedicated to my journey into the blending of souls, families, incomes, and insanity. Yes, I am getting married. Black couples do exist and I am one of them.

I named this blog Darker Than Blue to represent the depth of my love for my soul brother, my soon-to-be husband, and the love I have for black love. It embodies a depth that I am still understanding.

I also dedicate this blog to the parents who birthed me and my soon-to-be. They are still together and have offered a foundation that I am thankful to stand on.

As well, this is for my sisters who are also on the path of finding their soul partners. I am with you and I send you light.

Walk with me and I with you.

love and balance
darker than blue