I have been thrashing and worrying about not finding a reception hall. I have been screaming and cursing. I have been nervous and envious. I have been in self-pity. Within these past weeks I have gone through so many emotions that I exhausted myself. "No mas" my weary mind was telling me last night as I scratched off more reception potentials.
I could not help think, "What is it that I am doing wrong?" or "What is it that I am not seeing." When I told my mom I wanted something that was different and not the typical stuff around the corner, she said that I was acting "bourgeois".
I was offended and silently blew her off. But am I acting pompous? Yeah, I am. But there was more in her tone. She was simply saying, "Don't go beyond your means." And often in weddings I hear that people who have limited cash flow end up struggling for real.
So after I pouted and went to sleep in a huge puddle of pity I awoke early this morning with some things on my heart.
I am understanding why I keep falling short. They are not failed attempts. They are not indicators that my wedding will be a disaster. These delays, closed doors, and no's are the spirit telling me that I must re-route myself to my true destination. I embrace the simple complexities and contradictions of myself and I move forward with an open mind.
I know that this is not about me, but this process is for me and a community that is embracing a union I made with Sun-Rah a long time ago. Before we arrived in these bodies.
I will listen with my heart, as I did with Sun-Rah.
And yes, there are some venues I will review again. I missed something. And I know that the LIGHT is shining on me and walking with me on this.
love and balance
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