Why are Black Folks So Stuck on Patriarchy?

As I gather addresses of family and friends, one of my homegirls gushed with congratulations and asked me on Facebook, "So you will now be Mrs. what?" She figured I was going to give her the last name of Sun-Rah. I told her my name will be what it was before I got married. Then I heard crickets. It was followed by a nice-nasty debate through chat.

She went into this long diatribe about taking a man's last name and blah, blah, blah. My response, and this has always been my view, taking a man's last name is rooted in European, Christian patriarchal practice. It is not the only way of marriage, and it definitely is not the way it will be for me.

I was reared in a Catholic church and am brought up by Southern parents, so I am coming from this angle of religion and culture that taught me that the man is the protectorate and has the last say. Growing up, my blood will boil when I saw how that manifested between my parents. On many of days, my father was dead ass wrong, but, alas, he was the man. Today it is more balanced, but my parents being a young couple from the South tried to negotiate their bond within confining rules they didn't understand and have since renovated to some extent.

Though I know the whole name thing is done in many places. I don't espouse to it, and I don't agree that a woman must take a man's name. Though some say it is a choice, in many cases it is an understanding that is not to be deviated, even if it is not said, it is implied. It is critical that families keep their lineages, and as an ode to mine, my name stays. She was hot!

My friend and I ended on a terse note and knew that this was just the beginning because neither of our families know that I ain't changing. It took my guy a minute to swallow, and we had some very, very interesting conversations. But he got over it, and his patriarchal notions, and his ego, and he is happy that we are acknowledging the next stage of our relationship. As for my father, his underwear will be wrapped in a tizzy.

I often have these conversations of why black folk are so stuck on cultural motifs that are foreign to them. Not patriarchy, but the type that is practiced contemporarily. Women are stripped of identity, and removed from her kin to be in service of her husbands. Whah? And the funny thing is, it usually doesn't work out like that in a significant amount of black families; however, we get so caught up in what's proper in order to look the "traditional, respectable" family. Sorry, Cosby's, it was a great model, but there are more than that that are as potent and "successful" and loving.

Nonetheless, media dishes out a death sentence to black women in their chance's of lifetime partnership.

Now that I read all of these doom stories about black women will be the least to be married in the United States, I wonder if women agree to arrangments in marriage that they genuinely despise, but do so, just to get married. This also goes for names, having children, dealing with crazy in-laws, accepting infidelity, abuse, and his bad spending habits.

And if you are Christian, the mis-interpretation of deferring and bowing to their husbands to me is number one because the King James version states that men are the head of the household. Really, what does that mean?

I will take it in the since of nobility since every man wants to be a king in this country. A king makes decisions after he his thoroughly briefed and given advice from the council. So in essence, a king's decision is based on the knowledge given to him by confidants and not of his own research or assessment. If that were true, the woman would be calling the shots, and the man would just be the figurehead taking her orders.

I just don't get it. Where is it written in stone that we have to take our husbands names? And where is it written that if you don't, you are blaspheming God? No where.

So, I embrace the Egyptian tradition of male/female balance, partnership and identity. Did you know that pharaohs of Egypt married Queen rulers of Meroe, or Medewi or Kush. This was to unite upper and lower Egypt and acknowledge the presence of matriarchal lineage and patriarchal. As is shown in the collage, pharaoh and queen sat on one thrown. And to me, that is my type-of-marriage.

So Sun-Rah and I are just joining crowns. Bling on that!

love and balance darker than blue

I Am Not a Superwoman, So I Hired a Wedding Planner

Eulina mentioned something that sealed the deal. She said, "Women, especially black women think that they can do it all, and when they try to do everything they end up not enjoying anything about their event."

It was at that point I hired Eulina Morris of Creating Remarkable Events. She understood me. (Photo Caption: Eulina Morris Wedding Planner)

I realized a long time ago that I am not a superwoman and have no desire to be every and anything all the time.

I am a doctoral student who holds a part time job and teaches anywhere from three to five classes. I am beyond busy already, plus I have no clue about a wedding since I wasn't the type who dreamed of how it will look or what I would wear.

With my lack of knowledge of weddings, I knew I was entering into an area I was totally unfamiliar.

But I was sure of one thing. I did not want to be the burned out superwoman on my wedding day. And I want my family members to show up beautiful, relaxed and ready to celebrate.

Nonetheless, the decision of hiring a wedding planner was not without a fight. I looked at some planners a couple of months ago and thought, "My sister can do that."

My sister, who we call "Pookie Bird" got married three years ago. Everything that you didn't want to happen happened. I figured that anyone who went through the hells she did, could put together a good damn wedding. She had so many opportunities to learn an abundance of lessons I guessed she was a pro after she pulled that one off.

I called Pookie and she was excited and supportive. I gave her the proposal along with a payment of services. Immediately, she was on it---asking me about colors, venues, bridesmaids, and all the particulars that I did not have an answer.

The next week she was combing Los Angeles looking for a venue that was reasonable. But life happened.

Her husband was laid off just like she was right after she had their infant daughter. Both of them were casualties of a crumbling Cali economy. Now, she had to really look for a job in between being an active mommy of three, a wife, and a conscious community member.

The next items were finding a caterer and securing a hotel, but Pookie's youngest got sick, then she caught a cold, and her car broke down again. Who had time plan a wedding?

I was getting impatient, but I had to understand my sister's situation. Nonetheless, I couldn't neglect mine.

So, I started looking for a wedding planner. I had been visiting http://www.forblackweddings.com/ and other sites to get an understanding of what I should be looking for. For Black Weddings, gives excellent tips on what to expect in wedding planning from the beginning to the end---from wedding songs to a bridal emergency kit.

I read and read, and honestly, I still didn't know what I wanted or where I was going.

I was getting so frustrated I just wanted to call it off and I was just starting. Instead of quitting, I went to research wedding planners. Since Los Angeles has a small black population (we only make up about 4 percent), I wanted to recycle my black dollars so I went to http://blacknla.com/ and looked at caterers. I emailed and phoned them all.

Eulina was the first one to call. I listened to what she said and wrote notes based on her tips and advice. I spoke to others, but it came down to two potentials, and Eulina's simple statement sealed the deal.

Other things that were important was she was budget-friendly, flexible, full of energy, very responsive, and listened to my concerns before I even signed a contract. I feel totally comfortable with my choice and I can't wait to jump into the process again.

love and balance
darker than blue

Saving Money on "Save the Date"

I'm still debating on a wedding website, but one thing I knew I needed was a "Save the Date" mailing to accomodate the coastal ceremonies.

Since I've been reading up on wedding blogs and saw how expensive invitations can be, I decided to do an inexpensive, but cute soft invitation. I decided personalized postcards. Postcards are not only budget friendly because of cheaper production, but less in postage.

On one side, is a nice photo of me and Sun-Rah, on the other side, our ceremony dates including our symbol with the theme. It was a simple and nice layout that got to the point. I figured I could get more creative down the line.

I designed the cards on an online site called, Overnight Prints. Both sides are glossy print and the postcards are 5.5 x 8.5. The amount of cards are 100. I had to reorder my cards because the first ones only had the Los Angeles date. The cost for both orders including the shipping was a little less than $130. Add postcard postage stamps at 28 cents that is $28.00. The total cost is $158.

Losing this Gut! Arrghhhh

A great relationship can be a blessing and a curse. Your outings transform from frequent club-hopping to poetry venues and movies. You slow down running all over the city and running home to your significant other.

Unfortunately, those nights of good loving and cuddling resulted to me gaining 30 pounds and I be damn if I carry that to the altar. I am not going to have a booty-do gut or flabby arms, or triple chin mess up my swagger! And I am not going to starve myself only to blow back up the day after nuptials.

For the last two weeks I have been working out and working on my diet. Losing weight ain't fast and somewhat painless like when I was in my 20s. A sister gotta sweat hard to lose this cellulite. My hormones are going crazy since I have hit my mid-30s. My breasts have gotten totally outta control.

My goal:

Lose 40 pounds

Drop 6 dress sizes

Strengthen my womb

Flat abs

Totally toned body

More flexibili

and compete in at least 1 triathlon

Seems like much, but it honestly was just yesterday I was running 4 miles barefoot on a Los Angeles beach. I know I can do it and I will...but I am very honest with myself. I needed help.

I have called on my sister-friend who is a natural leaving guru and has an master's degree in naturapathic healing. I called on my sister-friend in the ATL who specializes in colon cleansing.

First thing first, little to no dairy, more water, more movement, more rest, and lots of self-pampering.

Okay, I got 7 months. Let's do this shit!

Ahhhh, the Frustrations of Finding a Venue

Marvimom House located in Downtown Los Angeles

is green conscious and heavy on the green backs.

For a country that laments about the lack of marriages, why does it cost so much for a decent wedding?

One of the green initiatives should be discounted weddings for a better environment.

Sun-Ra and I swore not to be broke the day after our ceremonies. Yes, I did say plural because we are having two ceremonies to accomodate my West Coast family and his East Coast family.

This concept is in line with many couples who have multiple weddings for multiple reasons. Not only are we doing this to include as many of our people as possible, but we are embracing the neo-African tradition of having a village wedding (traditional) and a church wedding.

Our two ceremonies are as followed: the first one is called, "Uniting the Families," which will be where we receive our parents' blessings; the second will be the official ceremony of "Jumping the Broom."

The budget-conscious, recession-proof soirees are taken a lot of creativity, thoughtful compromise, and yes frustration.

The first ceremony will be in New Jersey, and will be at the home of Sun-Ra's parents. His mother and I have started working out some of the details. She is a culinary guru and party planning diva. And she totally respects our flavor of eccentri afro-chic, a cross between cultural, cosmopolitan, and spiritual, but with swagger.

As for the second ceremony in Los Angeles, I am still in the beginning stages and have been scouting out a venue for the last five months. My dilemma is normal, what I fall in love with is too expensive, and what is in my budget can handle is not attractive...at all. Another issue is that I am finishing my PhD in Jersey, and have little time and money to go to Los Angeles.

But to give you an idea of where I went, I am listing some of the places that I loved, but did not fit.

Marrakesh House - is a beautifully renovated, eco-pimped out house in Culver City. I loved the space with its poolside altar and Morrocan-inspired decor, but the price was a little costly for me. It was $3700 for the whole day and the whole house, but I had to supply table, chairs, linen and other things such as heated lamps before I even got to the catering and decorations. Too much headache and hidden costs.

The Sky Room - OMG this was my dream. It is a floor that sits on top of historic Long Beach Hotel with almost 360 degress of windows. You got the space when ordering the menu which started at about $4200 per person. The minimum was $7800, but you got food, seating, and dj equipment. I would've paid, but the date I wanted was booked in early 2009.

Little Tokyo's Japanese Botanical Gardens off of Main street was quite a deal, $2750 for the gardens, reception room and tables and chairs. It was a ceremony and reception hall wrapped into one. The reception area was a little blah, but who made up with the beautiful garden and cheap price in a clean and funky part of the revival of downtown LA. Unfortunately, I was beat to punch and lost the deal because someone, put there deposit down before my sister was able to check out the spot; however, I did not lose my head because it was a little over budget.

The Barn - Also located in Culver City seemed like a true gem. Another Moroccan-inspired hall that was original a hangar for airplane parts in the Warehouse district of the little seaside city on the west side of Los Angeles. Unfortunately, the description is not as glamorous as the actual building. The area it is situated in an unattractive area with limited parking and the place shares space with a flower shop that limits the movement of guests. The price was definitely right, $750; however, the owner went up $250 in several months and I was NOT feeling that.

San Antonio Winery - is a family-owned and operated restaurant and winery in Los Angeles. If I remember correctly, you had to pay at least $10,000, but it comes with food, cake, wine, dj equipment, iPod player, linens, tables and chairs. All you had to do was show up with your iPod. Sadly, it is going through renovation during the time of my inquiry.

Huron Substation, a renovated historic building that used to house high voltage equipment for Edison electric company. They tood too long to respond so I moved on.

Victorian/Mansion Rentals - I really am into the retro, vintage luxe look, so I attempted to check out some Victorian homes right outside of downtown Los Angeles. These homes are around USC in the Jefferson district that used to be called Bubble Hill. A number of these homes have been renovated to bed-and-breakfasts. I also called some fantabulous homes in Hollywood Hills and nestled on the shores of a couple of pretty beaches. However, when I gave them my budget they did not call me back. Oh well, on to the next one.

Rose Gardens of Exposition Park - tucked between several museums including the California African-American Museum, it is an ideal location for fall and spring weddings. I visited the place when I visited home and the landscaper told me that Southern California botanicals enjoyed two blooming seasons, one in the spring and one in late fall. Nonetheless, the site was about $1,000, and I had to find a separate reception hall. I wanted to do the Af-Am museum, but the rude reception coordinator forgot to tell me that they don't do wedding receptions. You would think that the fiscal situation of California, the city of LA would welcome receptions. Now I must admit there was a senior center that could be rented out, but it was too small. Then there was the Natural Museum that started at $20,000, oh hell naw.

Marvimom (downtown LA) and The Smog Shoppe (Culver City) are green spaces with funky herbivores and urban-chic atmosphere. Marvimom seats about 200 while The Smog Shoppe is about 100. There prices though were too much over budget, but they do discount when events are on Sundays and week days. Marvimom is $6000 and The Smog Shop was about $4000. I know greening costs more, but dman.

Earl Burns Miller Japanese Gardens in Cal State Long Beach is absolutely stunning, but hte price was high and the conditions for catering were too strict. This is a picturesque venue with great views, but if you have the $$ I recommend.

Frustrated by the lack of success, I called oen of my sisters about three weeks ago. I told her of the upcoming event and asked for her help in planning the wedding. Since she had this southern sweetheart wedding several years ago that had many kinks, I thought she would make a perfect fit for pitfalls.

We settled on the Cabrillo Beach San Pedro Bathouse. It is a historic Spanish building overlooking the waters. It is very picturesque with a playground area that will be good for the oodles of children that will attend. It is a very spacious second-floor banquet hall with a stage, a closed in verando with huge windows facing the beach, and an area that is designated for caterers.

It is picturesque outside and the inside has potential. There are some down sides with this place.

For one, it does not have a kitchen so caterers have to be prepared. Then the horrible paint job, OMG. Since it is owned by LA County someone had the bright idea of using ugly green institution paint for the wood paneling inside. And finally, the BS liquor policy only permits a company called Monterey Concession Services to serve liquor, and cheap liquor at that. For the beer selections there are Miller Lite and Bud Lite. Then for the soda, Cola, Diet Coke and 7UP are all it has to offer. We spoke to a nasty representative from the Monterey Concessions and hopefully we can work this out.

Oh well, we shall see, but I am claiming little stress on this.

love and romance
darker than blue

Something Old, Something New, Love that is Darker Blue

We met on Friday, May 13, 2005 in Downtown Atlanta.

A city where heterosexual men outnumber women 10 to 1. A city full of clubs that offer any type of black party you like from chic to bling to bohemian. A city full of strippers that reinvented Karma Sutra positions every night making the average sister cringe with insecurity.

And yes, sadly, Atlanta is a city full of lonely and frustrated, single black women. And for some time, that was me.

I settled in Atlanta nine months before I met him, leaving Los Angeles to reinvent myself for the seventh time. A recovering journalist who was still trying to kick the rush of deadlines and eating in the car as the norm, I decided to give into my PhD jones and went back to school. By the end of my first semester I re-mastered the art of juggling little cash and learned to maneuver through the many layers of social-political scenes in the complicated big town with aspirations to be a big city.

But unbeknownst to me, the man who saw me walking down Decatur by the Underground Mall, did a double take. He waited for me as I rounded the corner thinking about eating a pseudo-burrito at Mo's while listening to a neo-soul something on a six-year-old cd player and busted headphones.

He stopped me, started a conversation that convinced me to have a light lunch with him. His Jersey accent and brown eyes were nothing compared to his refreshing conversation. I was so taken aback, I paid for our meal.

We ate falafels, with my last $10 (he didn't know I was broke). Then he invited me to dinner and a movie that night. Sushi at Twist, and the film, Crash.

We held hands and talked about our lives as we caught the last Marta train to my stop. He walked me home and kissed me lightly on the lips.

Almost five year's later, on February 6, 2010, we asked each other's hand in a Bobby Flay Restaurant.

This blog is dedicated to my journey into the blending of souls, families, incomes, and insanity. Yes, I am getting married. Black couples do exist and I am one of them.

I named this blog Darker Than Blue to represent the depth of my love for my soul brother, my soon-to-be husband, and the love I have for black love. It embodies a depth that I am still understanding.

I also dedicate this blog to the parents who birthed me and my soon-to-be. They are still together and have offered a foundation that I am thankful to stand on.

As well, this is for my sisters who are also on the path of finding their soul partners. I am with you and I send you light.

Walk with me and I with you.

love and balance
darker than blue