Why are Black Folks So Stuck on Patriarchy?

As I gather addresses of family and friends, one of my homegirls gushed with congratulations and asked me on Facebook, "So you will now be Mrs. what?" She figured I was going to give her the last name of Sun-Rah. I told her my name will be what it was before I got married. Then I heard crickets. It was followed by a nice-nasty debate through chat.

She went into this long diatribe about taking a man's last name and blah, blah, blah. My response, and this has always been my view, taking a man's last name is rooted in European, Christian patriarchal practice. It is not the only way of marriage, and it definitely is not the way it will be for me.

I was reared in a Catholic church and am brought up by Southern parents, so I am coming from this angle of religion and culture that taught me that the man is the protectorate and has the last say. Growing up, my blood will boil when I saw how that manifested between my parents. On many of days, my father was dead ass wrong, but, alas, he was the man. Today it is more balanced, but my parents being a young couple from the South tried to negotiate their bond within confining rules they didn't understand and have since renovated to some extent.

Though I know the whole name thing is done in many places. I don't espouse to it, and I don't agree that a woman must take a man's name. Though some say it is a choice, in many cases it is an understanding that is not to be deviated, even if it is not said, it is implied. It is critical that families keep their lineages, and as an ode to mine, my name stays. She was hot!

My friend and I ended on a terse note and knew that this was just the beginning because neither of our families know that I ain't changing. It took my guy a minute to swallow, and we had some very, very interesting conversations. But he got over it, and his patriarchal notions, and his ego, and he is happy that we are acknowledging the next stage of our relationship. As for my father, his underwear will be wrapped in a tizzy.

I often have these conversations of why black folk are so stuck on cultural motifs that are foreign to them. Not patriarchy, but the type that is practiced contemporarily. Women are stripped of identity, and removed from her kin to be in service of her husbands. Whah? And the funny thing is, it usually doesn't work out like that in a significant amount of black families; however, we get so caught up in what's proper in order to look the "traditional, respectable" family. Sorry, Cosby's, it was a great model, but there are more than that that are as potent and "successful" and loving.

Nonetheless, media dishes out a death sentence to black women in their chance's of lifetime partnership.

Now that I read all of these doom stories about black women will be the least to be married in the United States, I wonder if women agree to arrangments in marriage that they genuinely despise, but do so, just to get married. This also goes for names, having children, dealing with crazy in-laws, accepting infidelity, abuse, and his bad spending habits.

And if you are Christian, the mis-interpretation of deferring and bowing to their husbands to me is number one because the King James version states that men are the head of the household. Really, what does that mean?

I will take it in the since of nobility since every man wants to be a king in this country. A king makes decisions after he his thoroughly briefed and given advice from the council. So in essence, a king's decision is based on the knowledge given to him by confidants and not of his own research or assessment. If that were true, the woman would be calling the shots, and the man would just be the figurehead taking her orders.

I just don't get it. Where is it written in stone that we have to take our husbands names? And where is it written that if you don't, you are blaspheming God? No where.

So, I embrace the Egyptian tradition of male/female balance, partnership and identity. Did you know that pharaohs of Egypt married Queen rulers of Meroe, or Medewi or Kush. This was to unite upper and lower Egypt and acknowledge the presence of matriarchal lineage and patriarchal. As is shown in the collage, pharaoh and queen sat on one thrown. And to me, that is my type-of-marriage.

So Sun-Rah and I are just joining crowns. Bling on that!

love and balance darker than blue